tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90573206691606915492024-03-12T20:31:19.424-04:00Sweet FeedsWhether it is thoughts I have or recipes I post, I hope they feed you somehowKirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-61767488957148667082012-09-27T08:23:00.000-04:002012-09-27T09:20:45.068-04:00Enough! Time to start againIt has been so long since I blogged. We moved into our new house, started renovations AND......had a baby!! I forgot how much fun a baby is, but also tiring. But there is nothing better than the cute sounds she makes (not so cute when it is at 3 in the morning). <br />
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This fall I am trying to get into a routine, though so hard with one car and Dr appointments and Bible Studies. I seem to just want to stay home with Abby, but there is Bible Study, Mom's group, and knitting group to go to. I also hope to once in awhile be able to get together with my loss group. At the same time I am trying to work on my sewing business- making quilts, fleece longies, diaper bags, and some day diapers.<br />
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In all the craziness of running around, adjusting to a new baby, and everything I feel like not enough. There is not enough of me to go to everyone, not enough time in the day and it is not helped that Abby tends to be fussy and want to be held. I am having to learn again that I AM enough in God, that HE has to be my strength and the one I go to when I just want to stay in bed and say "ENOUGH". But I will get up and go on with the day, maybe I will start taking a picture of one thing a day that inspires me.<br />
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October 15th is Remembrance Day for infant/prenatal loss and in honor of Robert and other babies gone to soon I am thinking of doing the Carly Marie Project's 31 days/31 Photographs project (more information can be found <a href="http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/">here</a>). I think it will be a interesting to see what I choose for each day and maybe I will make one last item for his short life.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-24195616649718129722012-05-02T17:22:00.001-04:002012-05-02T17:22:13.531-04:00New home, natural cleanersBoy has it been a long time since I have felt the need to blog. The past few months have been uneventful, no hospital visits (a novelty for me in pregnancy) and I am feeling pretty good overall. We are down to the final weeks countdown (7-10 to go) and I am really feeling the need to get ready for baby, which is rather hard to do when you will be moving at 35+wks pregnant.
So what preparations have I been making? Well to start we are going to cloth diaper, so I have been getting my fluffy supply together (only need a few more newborn and we are set to go). Of course the problem with cloth diapers is that they are so darn cute, so you always feel you need 1 more diaper.
I have also been trying to get my baby clothes together, and doing this mainly through second hand. So far we are doing pretty well on that front. Also, trying to get all the gear we will need together. Can't wait till garage sale season to really start and hopefully find some good deals. So far we have a crib, stroller, high chair, and bouncy chair (though family have promised a infant seat and crib mattress).
Then there has been research into what baby products to use. Since we are using cloth diapers, we can't use most diaper rash ointments, so I have found one to make my own. It also is said to be very good for dry skin, which we all suffer from. This then led me to deciding we should make our own laundry soap, shampoo, baby bath, body wash, and go all natural in our cleaning products. I also plan on switching over to cloth napkins and making unpaper towels.
I guess you could say we are getting a new home and going all natural (well as much as we can) in the process.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-88873122863533974652012-01-11T21:01:00.002-05:002012-01-11T21:05:27.558-05:00Looking forward<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-wp-iokefBhQit2AjBaYDrwraBnMxay7bFtAjd8r9uW2XMh8DH3p34hc2Sg4uRWLHBwj5CYdAf7IlxusAA3d4ulnikZd_JxVXx_UtYGjbhgcv9PSn_RpMBb9vTYL3UHVweOiB4omXSZY/s1600/baby+1.11.12.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 144px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-wp-iokefBhQit2AjBaYDrwraBnMxay7bFtAjd8r9uW2XMh8DH3p34hc2Sg4uRWLHBwj5CYdAf7IlxusAA3d4ulnikZd_JxVXx_UtYGjbhgcv9PSn_RpMBb9vTYL3UHVweOiB4omXSZY/s200/baby+1.11.12.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5696560646858962402" /></a><br />It's been awhile since I posted. December was a hard month for me. I was sick with hyperemesis gravidarium, extreme morning sickness. Thanks to the Zofran and promethazine it was not as bad as with the other kids, but some days really were not fun. <br />Now I am out of the first trimester and we are looking to the future, starting to get excited about this baby. In 2 wks we will be past the point of loss and then we will really get excited. But for today I enjoyed seeing my little one and afterwards I had a lunch date with hubbie and we looked at cloth diapers.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-30560703933722875162011-12-10T10:46:00.002-05:002011-12-10T10:55:08.190-05:00It's not about you<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG07pRvvuTFxovbWg8tAZ24Am_9B_lLG6ZGeHIDL1_Kiaqyb5Em0AwHmApiOBgt-b-fX43Yb-zuPQ3NEjdlXGU9v-MweFlUH03T7i5ntjOsw3ec0F3QCWOEvC2-SD4HF8Et-gBLD-h9oY/s1600/IMG_1650.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG07pRvvuTFxovbWg8tAZ24Am_9B_lLG6ZGeHIDL1_Kiaqyb5Em0AwHmApiOBgt-b-fX43Yb-zuPQ3NEjdlXGU9v-MweFlUH03T7i5ntjOsw3ec0F3QCWOEvC2-SD4HF8Et-gBLD-h9oY/s200/IMG_1650.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684528680286579362" /></a><br /><br />Christmas is normally my favorite time of year. I love baking and finding the perfect gift. But this year I really have not been looking forward to Christmas. At first it was because we would be spending it without Robert, he would have been born just before Christmas, possibly even by now. <br /><br />Now we are expecting another baby and Christmas spirit is starting to come out, but the inevitable Hyperemesis Gravidarium (extreme morning sickness) is taking hold and it is hard to want to do anything. This new little one HATES sweets, so the idea of cooking them is hard.<br /><br />But then something comes in the mail that just makes you smile and reminds that Christmas is not about YOU but about Jesus and giving. So you pull yourself out of the dole drums and do what you can to make Christmas perfect for everyone around you.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-45938696715558325302011-11-29T11:41:00.002-05:002011-11-29T11:43:20.922-05:00FearIt is so hard to not be afraid, to think what if... But at the same time you know that it is counter productive and does not help anything. I am really working at not focusing on my fears, but speaking positives, life giving words.<br /><br />My mantra right now is "blessing and life, we will hold you in the end of June"Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-89295245637488181722011-11-22T15:47:00.003-05:002011-11-22T15:52:55.501-05:00Giving thanks through heartache<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.db18.com/d/thanksgiving/thanksgiving_001.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://www.db18.com/d/thanksgiving/thanksgiving_001.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />This year Thanksgiving and the holidays are hard. We would have been getting ready for the birth of our 4th child, and instead we have empty arms. Yet I have learned that all things work for the glory of God. I am able to thank God for getting me through the summer, for the lessons I learned in that time, and the compassion I have gained to others who have struggled with loss and infertility.<br /><br />My heart goes out to all who look at this holiday season with dread for the heartache it will bring and pray that God will bless you and give you reasons to give thanks. And I believe God will give us all reasons to give thanks in the coming year.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-36315407766201960662011-11-14T14:05:00.002-05:002011-11-14T14:08:57.035-05:00One step of faith leads to anotherIt is funny how one step of faith leads to another. A few weeks ago, I decided to take a step of faith and believe that God would answer some prayers. So I prayed and felt I should do A,B and C. And God answered that prayer (and another unrelated one). So I am taking another step of faith.<br /><br />I have always wanted to be able to contribute some to our income, but still be at home. Recently I have been told by numerous people that I should sell some of the things I make, so today I nervously uploaded some pictures to Etsy and now have my quilts and a bag up. I still have to put up a bear and the luvie's (but those need altering to fit in with copyright). I pray that I can start making some money this way, and be able to bless people with gifts that will be treasured for yearsKirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-18919701962704285022011-10-30T20:27:00.003-04:002011-10-30T20:46:35.677-04:00Trying to Organize<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--fy8i5aOvB0/Tq3tlxEqcwI/AAAAAAAAACI/3D7ngICjBuo/s1600/IMG_1511.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--fy8i5aOvB0/Tq3tlxEqcwI/AAAAAAAAACI/3D7ngICjBuo/s200/IMG_1511.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5669448739013161730" /></a><br />The clutter and disorganization in our house has gotten to me (though it is mainly my sewing/craft supplies and the office/computer supplies). I try to organize but I seem to fail with every attempt, but my sewing and craft supplies are starting to take over. It looks messy and is hard for me to find what I need, so today begins Operation Organization.<br /><br />At first glance you would not think I did anything, but 3 hrs later I have cut 5 boxes into perfect sized fabric boards to wind my longer lengths of fabric on. The fabric is wound onto the boards and pinned into place; all the books that one resided on the shelf are cleared off and found new homes (some to be discarded, others to a different shelf); and the fabric is organized on the shelf by color.<br /><br />Tomorrow, my 3 drawer plastic storage bin that holds all my sewing supplies will be organized and then to figure out how to organize all the small cut pieces. After the sewing and craft supplies are organized then comes the dreaded office supplies with Graig taking care of ALL his computer paraphernalia.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-20445322649170689212011-10-25T12:52:00.007-04:002011-10-30T20:46:54.462-04:00Wishing on Wishbones<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.visualphotos.com/photo/2x2709315/wishing_for_baby_boy_or_baby_girl_42-15882888.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 700px; height: 560px;" src="http://www.visualphotos.com/photo/2x2709315/wishing_for_baby_boy_or_baby_girl_42-15882888.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />Normally I try not to post about the struggles that I have, the down times. But right now nothing comes to mind to write, no topic is pushing at me, screaming "Write me, tell my story". I am sitting here just blah, even though it is one of those rare fall days in Western New York when the sun is shining, I just can't seem to get out of my own way. I have quilts that need to be finished, have knitting projects to do, a house to clean, but I just cannot seem to get ambition for any of them.<br /><br />I am missing Robert and being pregnant, and realizing that if he had lived I would be delivering in about 7-8 wks. I should be getting ready and all the anticipation that comes with expecting a child, and instead I am praying for the miracle of becoming pregnant again. Also 1 wk from today is what would have been my due date for the ectopic pregnancy we had this year. I have never had a loss, had that due date approach without being close to being due. This is a new experience for me and I am not liking it, it hurts to feel like this, to want to be pregnant, to feel my baby kicking...<br /><br />So now I am trying to be positive, trying to remember all that God has blessed me with. Yet I find myself wishing on a wishbone, wishing on a star, wishing on anything that I can.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-17653456663206337082011-10-15T10:58:00.001-04:002011-10-15T11:00:11.648-04:00Veggie Tales - God is Bigger than the Boogie Man Theme Song<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://thejqcorner.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/4c06hxxxxx-75.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 500px; height: 648px;" src="http://thejqcorner.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/4c06hxxxxx-75.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><a href="http://www.televisiontunes.com/Veggie_Tales_-_God_is_Bigger_than_the_Boogie_Man.html">Veggie Tales - God is Bigger than the Boogie Man Theme Song</a><br /><br /><br />If we really believe that God is Bigger than the Boogie Man, why do we not take all our concerns to him. Why do we do the little prayers of "Help me get through the day" and not pray for each individual concern we have. Why do we not talk to God as we talk to our friends? Telling him all that is wrong, all that hurts us? <br />Do we fall into the lie that our concerns are not important, that God does not care? Do we feel that we are not good enough for God to hear and answer our prayers?<br /><br />This past week I took the challenge to write down five things that I want or need in our family and to pray aloud for them, believing that God would grant them to me as every father wants to grant the wishes of their child. One of them was answered on the 3rd day of prayer. God hears us and sometimes he says no, sometimes he says wait and other times he grants it the week we pray.<br /><br />So if God is bigger than our biggest fears, he can handle the little stuff too.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-25132041220507578402011-10-10T10:28:00.003-04:002011-10-10T10:34:08.802-04:00Counting your Blessings<span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">Count Your Blessings</span><br />When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,<br />When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,<br />Count your many blessings, name them one by one,<br />And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.<br /><br />Refrain<br /><br />Count your blessings, name them one by one,<br />Count your blessings, see what God hath done!<br />Count your blessings, name them one by one,<br />And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.<br /><br />Are you ever burdened with a load of care?<br />Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?<br />Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,<br />And you will keep singing as the days go by.<br /><br />Refrain<br /><br />When you look at others with their lands and gold,<br />Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;<br />Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy<br />Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.<br /><br />Refrain<br /><br />So, amid the conflict whether great or small,<br />Do not be disheartened, God is over all;<br />Count your many blessings, angels will attend,<br />Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.<br /><br />Refrain</span> http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/c/o/countyou.htm<br /><br />I woke up this morning with this hymn in my head. There have been disappointments lately and times I have ran to God asking why, or why not? I don't understand always why things happen as they do or why they don't happen when I feel they should do. But I keep coming back to this refrain "Count Your Blessings". Even when the world seems dark, there is always something to be thankful for.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-61844664063464873462011-09-29T12:12:00.002-04:002011-09-29T12:54:03.758-04:00What it takes...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.sadmuffin.net/cherrybam/graphics/comments-friendship/friendship006.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 375px; height: 375px;" src="http://www.sadmuffin.net/cherrybam/graphics/comments-friendship/friendship006.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />She sat at the window peering through the rain, foot tapping in impatience as she looks at the clock for the 15th time in 30 mins. <span style="font-style:italic;">How could he be late? He knew how important this day was, does he not listen to me talk? does he not care?</span> As the little hand on the clock continued it's journey she kicked off her shoes in resignation and once again was disappointed in the way Jonathon treated their relationship. Maybe it was time to re-evaluate things before things got more serious.<br /><br />She slowly set the phone down and sat there wondering what was going on. It had been weeks since they had been able to get out together, work and volunteer things had kept them busy. Every time she suggested getting together he would say yeah call me, but then he never would set up a time. He was fine talking on the phone or emailing or chatting online, but he would never set a time to get together. <span style="font-style:italic;">Does he really want to be friends, does he really want this relationship?</span><br /><br />In a dating relationship these types of behaviors would throw up red flags and you would be telling your friend to get out of the relationship or to address the situation with her significant other. But what about when these same behaviors are seen in friendships? How do you respond then? Is it more acceptable to treat a friend like this?<br /><br />If a friend consistently stood me up, I probably would start to question if she really wanted to get together. If she seemed to never remember what I said, I would question if she really listened. If she always was saying "let's get together" and then never followed through I would question her sincerity.<br /><br />So what does it take to have a friendship. I think it is similar to the dating relationship which we can all identify with. The first few times you meet/see each other you are testing the waters, seeing if there is a common ground, common interests. Then as those interests build you start planning events and investing in each others lives. This is where the relationship gets sticky. <br /><br />In a dating relationship you would start to meet the family, start talking about your likes and dislikes, your goals and opinions. This might be the spot where you just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". In a friendship this is where you might realize that you might just be acquaintances who see each other once in awhile, or you might decide that you can really relate and open up to each other.<br /><br />If you continue to go on with the relationship, then you start doing more together and become as close or closer than family. When one of you hurts the other hurts, when one is happy the other is happy. <br /><br />But in our digital age, I think that these close relationships have started to go away. Many times we find ourselves checking in on someone's Facebook page and we "know" what is going on in their lives, so no need to ask how someone is doing. Or we comment on their Facebook page and so then we have done our duty as a friend on being interested in their lives. No longer do we call and talk, our lives become busy and the times we get together are fewer and fewer and we no longer really know each other.<br /><br />In thinking through all this I have asked myself, am I friend in all times? am I pouring into my friends? am I making time for them, or is my life more important?Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-24208679508961502652011-09-22T16:02:00.004-04:002011-09-22T16:45:10.903-04:00BlessingEver had someone that has hurt you so deeply that you become angry and bitter? That all you want to do is bring that event up and dwell on how that person has wronged you? I have had this experience a few times and years later I will feel bitter and angry towards this person, yet not remember the event that triggered that response. It seems that God is dealing with this issue with me right now and he is asking me to bless them. <br /><br />Recently I was discussing a hurt someone had done to me with my mother and she told me "You are getting awful bitter about that. You need to bless her". But I did not want to bless her and I have gotten into this idea with praying and what I say, that if I do not truly mean it, then I should not say it/ pray it. But mom, in her wisdom told me that if I waited till I felt like blessing her, I would never do it, and she was right.<br /><br />How am I supposed to bless them when THEY were the ones to hurt me. Shouldn't they have to pay, shouldn't they have to apologize, shouldn't they know the angst they have caused me? But then what have I done to them or others that I have not apologized for, what hurts have I caused, even if they were accidental.<br /><br />So the next day that the thoughts of what had happen boiled up in me, I said "God I forgive her and bless her with your peace and love." A funny thing happen after that, I no longer felt quite the same hostility. I still hurt and was not sure how to interact around her, but some of the bitterness had gone away. <br /><br />The next day that thoughts of what happen came up, it was even easier to say, and then I found myself praying blessings over her whenever I thought of her or saw her name. The fact that I had started to change by praying for her, not by feeling like my feelings were validated was amazing to me.<br /><br />Shortly after this, I started a Bible Study with a friend's church on guess what topic, Total Forgiveness. We are working through "Total Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall and this idea of blessing the person who has hurt you is brought up in the introduction. One of the verses that he discusses is Ephesians 4:30-32, "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." So if He can forgive the injustices I do to him, how can I not do the same? And is not blessing someone with the love and peace of Christ the most compassionate thing we can do? <br /><br />So I challenge you to think of someone who has hurt you deeply, who you still feel anger and bitterness towards and say aloud "God I forgive them as you have forgiven me, I bless them with your love and peace" (or some version of this). And do this each time that you think about them or the situation, and over time I am sure that the anger and bitterness will leave.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-80253071780551857382011-09-16T09:00:00.000-04:002011-09-17T20:53:22.271-04:00Community, do you have one?This week in church our pastor spoke on Community and how they are there to hold you up in hard times, then I join a Bible study and they talk about the same thing there. Hmmm do you see a theme here? I do and I am working at getting my community together.<br /><br />But what is community? The dictionary says it is "a group of people living together in one place, esp one practicing common ownership: "a community of nuns". Another definition is all the particular people living in an area or place. I think you could take this further, a church is a community, yet not all of those people live in the same place, a forum online is a community, yet they can be spread through out the world. We speak about the Congenital Heart Disease Community or other such groups since they have a commonality that binds them together.<br /><br />So if you take a community as a group that has a commonality that binds you together, who is in your community? Who is there that you have something in common with to base a relationship on? <br /><br />To further a community though, it is not enough to just have a common goal, but to interact and support each other, and this is where it gets messy. When you begin to interact you have to open yourself up, to show the inner you, but you also have to see other people and decide if you can accept them as who they are.<br /><br />Once interactions start and you open your lives to each other, life will always intervene. Something will happen where you feel that you are alone, that it is time to become a turtle and hide in your shell, that no one can understand what you are going through. This is the time that your community needs to be there, and hopefully there is one person in that community that you can let in, that you can cry in front of, open up your deepest hurt and not be condemned, to be allowed to deal with your emotions and have them stand by you.<br /><br />As a community, when life hits and someone is drawing away, it is hard to know what to do. Do we stand by and do nothing? Is saying how sorry you are enough? Is just saying "if you need something, let me know" enough? Probably not. Most people when they hit a major bump in the road do not want to let people in. I know that when we lost Robert I did not want to see anyone, I just wanted to be alone. Our care pastor at church showed up at our door unannounced, and it was a blessing to have someone just be there. I learned through that that instead of just saying "let me know", offer to bring a meal on _____day, to pick the kids up from school and take them for dinner, to come do their laundry on ___day, whatever it is make it specific to a time and event (and this also goes for making time to get together, it never works to say call me, instead set up a certain time/date and show the person that you are serious about wanting a relationship, but that is another blog).<br /><br />So this fall can you work on your community? Can you put yourself out there to truly open up to someone, to be there when life gets in the way?Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-40424761636568417942011-09-07T03:55:00.000-04:002011-09-17T20:53:39.577-04:00Quiet House, Lonely Mom<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://jamesbrauer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/First-Day-of-School.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 380px; height: 368px;" src="http://jamesbrauer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/First-Day-of-School.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />The kids had their first day back to school yesterday. Daddy got them up and out the door and I woke up to a quiet house for the first time in 2 months and didn't really like it. It was too quiet, too... lonely. <br /><br />Other years by the time summer came to an end, I was ready for the kids to go back to school. The mommy entertain me, mommy I need a ride, mommy.... wore on me and then the constant bickering, all made it so I was ready for those 7 hrs of quiet every day, plus I could clean the house in the mornings and know it would be clean for a few hours.<br /><br />But this year things are different, I missed the kids when they were away all day. Missed having someone home all day and it made me think about when they go off to college (Matthew will be off in 5 more years). Not sure I am ready to go there yet. <br /><br />Why the change this year? I am not sure, but I know that I do value my time with the kids more. And then the kids came home from school and immediately started in on each other, bickering and irritating each other, and I had to rethink my thoughts about them going to school, but the house is still too quiet during the day.Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-11829315206399174192011-09-03T19:59:00.000-04:002011-09-17T20:53:51.964-04:00Bittersweet<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGraZKm9BEHgJBpPI-mOIHg7gowBSzvi33MVoN-tK30xfkfneAtODbjNHCrG7AEkJUhlf9iR7EVHYXL4bwFJCnQ7E3vzJ-BhQIy7GiMrI3RheGMcn_QVwxPd7CIMA7oB4D2-OlqPqaGcA/s1600/kids+waterfall.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGraZKm9BEHgJBpPI-mOIHg7gowBSzvi33MVoN-tK30xfkfneAtODbjNHCrG7AEkJUhlf9iR7EVHYXL4bwFJCnQ7E3vzJ-BhQIy7GiMrI3RheGMcn_QVwxPd7CIMA7oB4D2-OlqPqaGcA/s200/kids+waterfall.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648290660111535906" /></a><br /><br />The last time we went to Stony Brooke State Park was July 4th. I was 14 wks pregnant and happy. We had so much fun that day, and then we found out 3 days later that Robert had passed away and we were no longer pregnant.<div><br /></div><div>Today we returned to Stony Brooke and it was bittersweet for me. This time I was able to slide down the slides, but I remember sitting there and having to wear my maternity swim suit. Would I give up the time with my family today, no. But there are times I wish I could go back to feeling how I did that last time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Today was bittersweet and times like this will pop up now and then and remind me of where I had been. Two pregnancy losses in one year have been hard, and I sometimes it hits me that I should be 24 or 32 weeks pregnant (depending on which pregnancy you go by). And at those moments I just want to cry.</div><div><br /></div><div>I wonder how I will feel as the due dates approach, never before have I had a due date approach and not been in my third trimester of another pregnancy.</div>Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-55898926003818733792011-08-25T17:38:00.000-04:002011-09-17T20:54:13.093-04:00Getting by with a little help from my friends<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUFl4m576l9rmL-tH3xp-7GPKOjNTJ508slc85xF6R2sPs83GhTn5RvV9zECYBfLOFIQLBZTyqgjKsAsMzSv0APAsLc8kpUZ0SFMvJjBByAX8UXbBiAJ1tKqOLyw5_2XcXtCtAYT8cxSjc/s400/friendship_day_comments_02.gif" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 399px; height: 335px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUFl4m576l9rmL-tH3xp-7GPKOjNTJ508slc85xF6R2sPs83GhTn5RvV9zECYBfLOFIQLBZTyqgjKsAsMzSv0APAsLc8kpUZ0SFMvJjBByAX8UXbBiAJ1tKqOLyw5_2XcXtCtAYT8cxSjc/s400/friendship_day_comments_02.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a>There are times you realize that your friends may not know how to be there the way you need them to be. That is when you often times either are left struggling on your own, or maybe if you are lucky someone throws you a life line.<div><br /></div><div>For me that life line came in the form of a support group of women who have been there and understood what I was going through. I could cry and know that they understood the reason for my tears. We could talk about things that we all had in common, the loss of our children. And I was able to connect with an old friend who had thrown me this life line. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am not sure I would have thought before this about going to a support group, or that it would help, or even that I would have so much fun. But maybe it was that this was not like a meeting, it was more like a bunch of friends getting together for coffee. We sat in Panera Bread and just talked, though next time I will remember to bring more Kleenex's. The common theme was the loss of our children, whether it was at 15 wks, 25 wks or 42 wks. And it did not matter if the loss was 7 wks ago, 6 months ago, or 4 yrs ago, each of us was still missing our child and each had tears at various times. </div><div><br /></div><div>An evening spent with these women and I had a better handle on how I was feeling and knew that it was ok to be sad or to cry, that the timeline for how I was feeling would not be linear or go on the same pattern as someone else's. It has given me something to look forward to and common ground with others. Look forward to coffee and talks, to having fun at the spa, and just investing in each others lives. I hope that as we get to know each other close relationships will form with this core group of women and that we will be there for each other in the future.</div><div><br /></div><div>Is there a lifeline you can throw to someone? Maybe it is as simple as inviting them to coffee or to a Bible study. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-40059504709683780102011-08-21T15:05:00.000-04:002011-09-17T20:54:30.698-04:00Is there someone you can reach out to?<a href="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/211102_164040366999728_1973311_s.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 100px; height: 115px;" src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/211102_164040366999728_1973311_s.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Sitting at church today, in the very back of the sanctuary, where no one can see me or talk to me, I look around at the other's in the sanctuary and wonder who else is hurting? What are their secret pains that they do not speak about?<div><br /></div><div>Before loosing Robert, I never really thought much about miscarriage and less about what other's might be going through in regards to fertility and loss. But now I see it much more. What woman in church is hurting because she cannot have a child? What woman has lost a baby and never spoken about it? What other hurts might there be?</div><div><br /></div><div>As I sat there, wondering who else was crying on the inside while appearing to be okay, I wonder how we can reach out more to these women. Whether it is the loss of a child, the loss of the dream of having a child, the loss of a potential adoption, the loss of the innocence of a uncomplicated pregnancy (and the list can go on and on), what support is there for them?</div><div><br /></div><div>I know in my area that there is a support group in the city that meets once a month, but that is a bit of a drive. There are also online supports, but sometimes you need that face to face contact and to know you are not the only one in your circle of relationships to be going through the loss (whatever it may be).</div><div><br /></div><div>Is there something more that our churches and communities could be doing? Is there a way to reach out and touch those who hurt in silence? What can you do to reach out? Is there someone you know who could use a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or just to be told that they are not alone?</div>Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-31620982655682701172011-08-15T19:17:00.000-04:002011-09-17T20:55:06.387-04:00Speaking Out<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a2OkvFby8Co/TkmtSdL8dpI/AAAAAAAAAAo/grFEHIQKKZs/s1600/IMG_1100.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><span><span></span></span><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a2OkvFby8Co/TkmtSdL8dpI/AAAAAAAAAAo/grFEHIQKKZs/s320/IMG_1100.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641230540842235538" /></a><br />One of the hardest things to do is speak out when things don't go as you think they should. You are afraid that your opinion won't matter or that you are overreacting. But sometimes speaking out about your experience will change things.<div><br /></div><div>After loosing Robert, all I could think was no one understood what I was going through (of course others had been down this road, but I did not know who). I ended up trying to Google support groups in the area (NOT a fun think to Google) and did not really get anywhere. So I called my OB's office who referred me to a contact they had at the hospital.</div><div><br /></div><div>Voice wavering, I called and asked about support groups. The woman I spoke with was so kind and offered to send me the loss packets they had, as well as support info. Wishing I had had all that info after leaving the hospital, I agreed and thanked her. When I did receive the information, she had included her card, as well as the card of a woman who is the Nurse Manager of the high risk maternity floor. Thinking I would never have a reason to speak to either, I set the cards in the memory box I had made and read through all the material, including on when and where a support group meets.</div><div><br /></div><div>But in that reading I found that the hospital offers Baptism Certificates and I wanted one, so I dug out the card of the woman in charge of the high risk floor and emailed her. Instead of just emailing, me she called and we spoke on my experience on the surgery floor (it was a same day) and she said that she would like to forward my concerns and suggestions to the nurse manager of that floor. Of course I said yes, what else could I say.</div><div><br /></div><div>I never thought that my comments would be taken seriously, that anyone would really listen, since what I thought must have been voiced before. But to my surprise I received a email from the surgery floors nurse manager wanting to talk about my experience and suggestions to help make the process easier on other loss mamma's. </div><div><br /></div><div>That all said, what does it mean. It means that your voice matters and maybe someone else has thought the same thing you did, but never spoke out. Maybe your voice is the one that tips the scales into a policy being changed. Maybe you make something better or easier for someone who has to walk the same road as you.</div>Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9057320669160691549.post-3682726452552184692011-08-11T14:05:00.000-04:002011-09-17T20:55:20.924-04:00LossEveryone goes through a loss of some kind in their life. Some people it may just be a loss of a job, others it is a friend or family member. For me it is the loss of dreams and hopes, the loss of a future yet to be, a loss of what could be. <div><br /></div><div>On July 7, 2011, our world fell apart when we heard those words that no soon to be parents want to hear, "there is no heartbeat". The next day I had a D&E. 3 weeks later we found out that the baby was a boy. I had been calling him Bubsy since early on in the pregnancy, but we officially named him Robert Alexander.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't think anyone can really understand this loss unless they have walked this road. Some people respond by ignoring it, others say things that might sound helpful but are rather hurtful- "at least you can get pregnant" or "you still have 3 healthy children" or "something must have been wrong with him". </div><div><br /></div><div>In reality what most women going through this need a simple "I am sorry" or to be asked if they would like to talk. I know that for me (and other women have told me this as well) that the opportunity to talk about my child is one of the best things you can give me. No, I cannot tell you if he rolled over, or that he might be teething. But I can say his name, say I miss him, and just have someone else recognize his life, brief as it was.</div><div><br /></div><div>So where do I go from here? It has been 5 wks and I am healing and moving on. I started a shop to sell memory boxes. I never have painted before doing this, but when I wanted something to put all of Robert's things into, I could not find anything I liked. So my first box was created and now I find I love doing it. </div><div><br /></div><div>I spend time with my family and realize that I am lucky to have them. I am trying to get back into quilting baby quilts and also will be trying to get more involved with Little Mended Hearts (my daughter has congenital heart disease).</div><div><br /></div><div>And hopefully we will have a healthy pregnancy and our "take home" baby some day. </div>Kirstenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02715705748538827467noreply@blogger.com5